All my days are beginning to blur together. I’ve been graduated for a month and ten days, and I’m beginning to get that slow creep up my spine that if I don’t do something worthwhile soon, I’m going to go batshit-nuckin’-futs.
Sure, I should be cleaning up the house I just moved out of so my brother and I can sell it. But it’s kind of creepy over there, and I’d just be alone with all my old memories and life and things. I guess I’m just as alone here as I would be over there, but at least here I have my dog. My silly, lazy-about dog.
And it’s not so much that I don’t want to be alone, but I’m lazy, too. And I can’t move the big stuff on my own. And I can sit here and make excuses all damn day about why I don’t want to clean it and why I don’t want to be there. But the truth is I’m just not there.
So I waste my life sitting on this damn couch, stumbling on my computer, looking at the clutter in the apartment, thinking that I should do something, thinking about all I have to do, and I freeze. I just mentally shut down; because it’s all so daunting that I just can’t handle it in my brain anymore. Sometimes, this springs me into action, and I start working on what I know needs to be done. Sometimes this goes on for an hour or two and I’m on a great roll, and at the end of that time, I feel so accomplished. But it’s really just a speck of sand compared to everything I have to do. So I’ll take my break, tell myself I did a good job, and kick back for the rest of the day piddling around being so unproductive it almost hurts. And I go to bed all happy with myself and tell myself I’ll do another good job like this tomorrow, too.
And when I wake up, the cycle starts all over again.
Only this time I’m not as successful. And I’ll spiral downward into a sea of overwhelmed self-pity. I’ll realize I’m lonely and pout and just generally be a freaking two-year-old about everything. I’ll think about all the things I need to do and never do them. And then as I think about how I never do them, I get the feeling I’ll never do anything worthwhile. That my life will be meaningless, and I’ll be Lazy Madi, who never did anything with all that potential and wasted her life.
Because I don’t know where my motivation lies. Or maybe I need to grease the cogs in my motivation gears. Or buy a new rat to spin that wheel.
Either way, this is how summer always ends up making me feel, and it’s the reason I always looked forward to going back to school in the fall. But I don’t have that to look forward to anymore. I have to rely on myself, and that’s kind of a scary thought.